You’ve just received the most gorgeous ring from your partner, and now it’s time to choose the people who matter most to be a part of your bridal party. This a huge moment, and an important time to decide what expectations you’ll have of the group. Asking someone to be a part of your bridal party is a lengthy, and sometimes expensive, commitment. Letting them know up front exactly what you need and want them to do between now and the wedding ensures they’re ready to commit, and prevents future upset. We’ve lined up the top tips for making sure your bridal party knows what you need from day one!
Why Setting Expectations for the Bridal Party Matters
It’s the best way to preserve the relationship with those in the party. By outlining on day one what you anticipate your bridal party doing, and how you want them to be a part of the wedding process, they will know exactly what they’re committing to. This allows them to gracefully bow out if they don’t feel like they can meet your needs. It helps prevent hurt feelings, arguments, and sadness down the road.
For example, if you expect your large bridal party to spend a lot of money on a bridesmaid dress, but they didn’t know that when they agreed to participate, it could cause upset neither the bride nor the party wants. Had it been mentioned as part of asking them to be in the wedding, the person would have had the opportunity to consider and decline, avoiding awkward arguments or anger.
What Expectations Should I Set With My Bridal Party?
1. Be clear, and ensure no hard feelings
When delivering bridal party gifts and asking someone to be a part of your bridal party, be extremely transparent in what you expect of them. Tell them (and mean it!) that there will be no hard feelings if they want to decline the offer. It’s better to preserve a friendship, and letting them know it’s ok to say no will avoid them feeling pressured into saying yes when it’s not going to be a good fit. Put yourself in their situation and consider how it would feel if you were being asked to do something you didn’t have the money or time for, but felt guilty saying no to. You’d want, and be thankful for, that reassurance too.
2. Ask for commitment early
Setting a due date ensures they make a decision to give you enough time to make backup plans or alter your wedding party structure. For someone to be able to make a decision quickly, you’ll need to give them concrete expectations and information – make sure to outline what you know so far or are estimating including dates and costs. The more information you can give, the easier it will be for them to commit or not.
3. Explain what you do or don’t want them involved in
Every wedding is different, and so is what every bride wants of her bridal party. You should have an idea of what you want your bridal party to be doing. If you want them involved in your dress shopping, helping to choose decor, and going with you to venue visits, that should be made clear so they understand how much time they will need to give. Alternatively, if you don’t want them involved in major aspects of the wedding plan or events, you still should let them know to avoid crushed feelings. If they expected to be a part of dress shopping only to later find out you don’t want them there, it could create friction. Your wedding planning should be fun and exciting – with everyone on the same page, it will be!
4. What you expect them to spend leading up to the wedding
It’s no secret weddings are expensive – but so are the activities leading up to it. Think bridal shower, bachelorette, and ceremony clothes – all of those will likely have some kind of cost associated with them. If you are not paying for every aspect, it’s only fair to give an accurate idea up front of what you expect them to cover. Destination bachelorette parties are expensive and require vacation days from work, so if your bridal party knows that in advance, it’s much easier for them to prepare or even decline. Remember, no hard feelings if someone can’t attend – it’s not a reflection on their love for you, it’s simply a matter of resources. If you end up with a small bridal party, it just means planning is easier!
5. Surprises or no?
If you are the kind of bride who hates surprises – make that crystal clear. People mean well and want you happy, which could lead to a surprise engagement party or gift that is not to your liking. They mean well, but those of us who are pickier will end up frustrated when it isn’t how we would do it. Tell your bridal party from the start whether or not you want surprises, or if you’d prefer they not. Explain that you’re particular about things, and that while you’d appreciate the thoughtfulness, you’re not up for the unplanned or unexpected. If they know you well – this won’t be a shock. On the other hand – if you’ve always secretly wanted a surprise party, now’s the perfect time to drop a hint!
6. Put it all in writing (email) and get responses back the same way
As a follow up to your wedding party proposal, write out everything you expect them to participate in, estimated costs and dates, and general points in an email. This helps re-affirm any prior discussions, and it gives those who are visual learners a chance to see all the commitments laid out. It’s another early chance for someone to decide they need to step down, and will be a better outcome in the long run.
Being upfront with your wedding party is the only way to ensure they know what you expect leading up to your big day. It sets the stage for a smoother and more enjoyable engagement period with less drama and hurt feelings. They’ll love you as a bride for being honest, clear, and organized!
